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Friday, November 23rd, 2001

Subject:DistanCe (Kimi wo Dakishimete)
Time:11:37 pm.
Mood: enthralled.
From a distance I am loving,
stealing glances, with crushing eyes.
Day by day, just hoping for you,
to pass me by,
once in a while, under this cloudless sky...

and so mine body living, this world in...a chorale
Listless to be, not knowing what, just waiting, painfully.
And you're there, not far,

not far at all, a distance

not much, yet Hoping still, so deep within
you would steal a glance at me.


an Angel to me, you must be,
wanting to be beside you, just feeling warm.
To hear your voice and careless whispers,
to feel your breathless words against mine,
telling me of your dreams and pain, in my hug so tight

I wanna hold your face, touch your hair and lips,
for you to know I am loving you,
for you to love me too,
not caring how the world might think,
the distance so far, could be so much nearer still

Just waiting aloud, loving you in the dark,
knowing there is something, yet not knowing where to start.
Alone with you, in the music of the flutes,
I'd know it'd be heaven reborn in me,
just to see you look at me.

This Madness!
It hurts!
Close to you! To hear your voice and feel you so...
To be noticed by you, to see your shy smile, to hear your warm laughter.
Loving you so, wishing you'd know.

Time is gone, far too late. No more chance, no more hate.
My flute.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, November 6th, 2001

Subject:withdrawal symptons
Time:12:33 am.
Mood: awake.
oh fuck.

icant sleep....i havent heard the ringtone of my handphone for over 8 hours......its killing me....I havent sent an SMS for over..duno how long....GASP...

*stars spinning around*
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:My Sweet Little Curse
Time:12:11 am.
Mood: aggravated.
you know,

time and time again, over and over, one must always eventually look inside your own heart, and brain and ask this stupid stupid question, er, once again..

"Just what the fuck am I doing?"

Yah yah, the billion dollar question...GaSp, and I am not sure I have the answers to that.

well look,

the basic equation leading up to this one, is that, well...........

I have friggin lost my BELOVED ADORED WORSHIPPED Mobile GoddessPhone of mine.......YuP!
Once again, ladies and gentlemen, I have left her to the ravages of cruel society, and mangly cub-like humans with pugsy oily dirty connving rotten hands.. and....and..........

CURSE YOU!! CURSE YOU ALL!! * Thunder booms, earth shakes, babies cry*

well, watever it is, my purpose now , this very moment is to put my violent violent thoughts into peaceful peaceful words.

What do I mean? Well, its kidna like Ring, (that japanese ghost show lah..not WWF LOH), in that I project my powerful hatred into pyschometric energy and infuse them into these words, so that one day, when the stars and moons and teletubbies align into one giant decadron star shape, the full Dark Side of The Force shall unleash and open the Hell Mouth to Apolocalypse.

What what?? dun stare at me like that.......my heart is really broken ya know?

Bear with me here, and off I go......

"To whom it might concern (generally you, the stealer, Handphone off-er, non-returner, person-with-idea-of-possessing-my-Handphone, and sexualabusers of my Lovely),
I hereby curse you, that is, that your hands might rot, flesh dripping like melted cheese off a hot iron pot, and that your bones shivel and crack and tiny little maggots crawl into your marrow and suck your bones dry, to the last drop. May your hair all drop off, and your scalp turns into sandpaper, and your teeth and lips "interdimensionally" exchanged position, and that your tongue be transmuated into a blood sucking leech.
Your legs shall be forever bowed, and your genitals shall be moved to the your backside, and your toes shall be FOREVER frostbitten and itchy. OH YES, terribly itchy.
Your hair shall be wispy, and you shall be hunched forever more, like the hunchback of .....XYZdame. Your voice shall scare little kids to death, and inspire all frogs in the world to mate with you, and procreate little legions of demonic half beasts.
You shall walk the earth ceaselessly, in search of more handphones to bag, and you will not rest!!!!!!! Until all the handphones in the world has been tainted by your foul touch.

I hereby curse you to a horrible horrible blind date, in which you will lose your deposit, your virginity and your sanity and your........watever the crap that is you. You shall be sterile and senile and impotent throughout this and your next life, and even cats and dogs dispise you, and look down on you.
You will eat out of your asshole, and your shall shit out of your mouth. And may all who sees you, recognise the criminal that you are, by the Omnipresent geas that shall be implanted on your forehead, like a neoncloured light house.
It shall thus be written as "HEY LOOK! I am a ass sucking mutt, who loves to be sodomised." (er....or maybe you really do....oh craps)

Finally, the Ultimate Curse.
You shall be *insert horrible imagery* forever and ever and ever!

Anyway, I shall curse you and curse you and curse you, until you find it unbearable enough to have the heart to call me back! (or at least TRY YOU FARKER)
......I aint that mean......
SOB, I just wan back my.....................HANDPHONE!!!!!!!!!

*Dum Dum dum DUmmMmmm* *Curtains fall*

So there, my half written curse. (The other half is too foul to be written, trust me)........Gasp gasp GASP! I guess I shall go to hell with all this cursing and swearing and causing innocent Handphone stealers to suffer inmeasurable torment, but you know wat? I shall drag each of them down to "Hell" with me! BWAHAHAHA *sinister laughs trail off*

yah right, good nites fellow......
p/s - due to a weird little naggy instinctive feeling that my curses might actually work.......i declare the above work, Fiction. I only truly wish, he/she would trip on a banana skin or something, so that I might get a laugh out of the newspaper tomolo........Ta-da.

Yah, ciaoz
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, November 5th, 2001

Subject:A Prayer To Her
Time:11:25 pm.
Mood: peaceful.
tunics hid the withered monks,
black and shapeless, below the shifting night.
many a torch burned sickly 'round,
a ring of flickering suns, chained and bound

voices raised to the turrets high,
the moudly castle walls, hymned to
the inky night, the silent clouds.
many a monk were there, knelt and out

drum beats echoed hollow,
ghostly chantings soared, in harmony, so sweet
a lonely bell rang a distance away, and many turned to witness
there was none at all, save the grace and love

tunics hid the withered monks,
kneeling before, prostrate to the heavens,
hands in prayers, eyes of tears,
they sang, and sang, and sang, of

the bass, so deep, so strong, the chanting's heart
the baritone, so warm and calm, the song's own blood.
the tenors, so melodic, so clear, the hymn's lost soul
when alls to be, under the velvet sky,

in crescendoes, the haunting melodies
nothing else mattered
a sliver in my heart it brew,

be the midnight or be it noon,
the souls of darkness,

A prayer to the moon.

"electus proclamus uno sum"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, November 3rd, 2001

Subject:eagle skylights
Time:12:43 am.
Mood: artistic.
nevada far, the sun leaned close
to the western line 'tween the earth and sky
the invisible space, of time and tides
bathing the earthscape with moody brown

'twas the sound of distant drums...

billowing sandstorms, chilling nights
dunes of dust made mountain high
let the moon alone lay guard forsaken,
washing the sandscape with pearly white

and I'd thought, a dream no doubt........

yet now and then, the eagle soared
slicing through the air to the faroff skylights
a castle of air, a paper plane,
clouding the sky with shades of grey

broken like the mirrored sky.....

why should the stars, then, and then
last forever more for whom it does?
to live like a dream, a carousel of sounds
my eyes awashed with colours, my mind filled with peace

now, and then, joy is never enough, just fleeting.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, October 29th, 2001

Time:1:04 am.
Mood: melancholy.
had a bloody knife, didnt know what to do.
fleeting thoughts faster then me, flew past
the world in a giddy daze, heartbeat pounding mad.
heaving breathes drown my tired lungs,
couldnt see! couldnt see!

eyes wild verily, fear enroaching.
my temples pounding, couldn't hear, couldn't hear!
there was none in the world, now
save the gleaming steel, shaft of madness in my hands.
there was nothing! the blood wasnt mine, not mine!

spirits hung onto me, etching a niche deep within.
they took my soul, a fragment, burrowing..building.
a fortress of debris. rot and grime.
the broken figure, lifeless, lies at my feet.
string-less puppet, broken at my whims.

a pool of lovely red, like wild roses on the ground did spread.
it touched my foot, and felt like milk, warm and dark
i laughed, snapped and broken, mindless in my mindless world.
I tore at his hair, i shoved his head up to me,
to gleam into my very own visage,

and laughed together, corpses in a hall of mirrors, we were.
me and me.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, October 27th, 2001

Time:12:41 am.
Mood: blank.
battering droplets, windshield smeared and warped
the world outside, blurred, in passing and in view
uncaring, past the highway we soared
a constant drumming, somewhere around,
all around my head

invisible, claws of darkness tearing at my soul
tears of pain, as if broken, the sky above my head
whispering notes float about forsaken roads,
lonely figures in the far plains, soaked in rain
they saw me, crying tears of pain.

born of shadow, back to the mountains they go.
she, a daughter of night, my lover, my soul
a guitar rings, playing tuneless to the voice in my head
could only glanced above and without, never back in
too far out, to return to peace

was there silence, there was nothing.
the vast plains under the stars, so lonely, so very...
withering trees, dying earth, far far away
in my mind, my being, my ego.
there is no love, only death.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, October 17th, 2001

Subject:A New Day and Revelations
Time:11:13 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
*sighs in satisfaction*

let's see let's see, I think I've finally figured out a lot of things today man
*monks sing*

well, ever since I've posted to SAF Military Band Training Wing, I must say that it is one of the most LOBO Unit in the entire SAF.
That is to say, we sit around on our butt.........doing nothing much really everyday.
*monks sing*

WELL, suffice to say. We hardly moved, lesser still exercise.....oh boy, it was a great cultural shock from BMT, where we hardly had time to sit..much less........sit....

I spent the first whole week there, in total shock and......boredom, and up till today din actually realise I was penting up alot of frustation.......and adolescent rage.

well, hahaha, today was sports day, basically, I found that all the knotted *things* inside, sorta dissipitated.

it's like wow..I could really feel all the shit gone. well, at least, not so raging anymore (at least the I-Wanna-Destroy moodswings).....there, life aint that bad.


Ok, well, bottom line being, Exercise rocks big time man. They clear your mind, free up all the pent up energy and such. AhBengs and terrorists should try exercising more man, They unleash the dragons in you!! *roarZZzz*
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, October 16th, 2001

Subject:In the season of Rage.
Time:7:58 pm.
Mood: irritated.
I am fucking angry.
Really am, so much so, but at what, I know not.

FUCKING, I doubt I can ever express fully the fire and tightly knotted frustration deep inside. Not here anyway, not in words, civilised words.
Its all consuming, its killing me, burning everything i know, and I know not why!!!

Its been like this for awhile. Mine finding my temper lost at the smallest things, unable to tolerate what once used to be.........so forgivable.

I've changed man and I know that, and I think everything in my life is getting more and more fucked up as time goes by with this realisation.
I've angered pple around me, whom I care about, and whom cares about me, and I cant seem to stop.
Everyday, I must face anger within I cannot deal with. I've never knew such anger.

Everyone's comments seems stupid, everyone seems pretentious and fake, and everything is like a grand fucking show to me, a world which everyone dance upon.
I look upon a guy in the mrt today, and I felt like smashing in his face. Why? Just 'cos I din like the way he looked. HmpH. Fuck, I scare myself.

FUCK THAT. I hate this bloody stage. I hate all this masquerade.

I slowly came to realise alot about myself lately, like how much tolerance I have for fakeness and hyprocrisy is just paperthin. I've realised I've became far too outspoken with what I feel and far too honest for everyone's liking.

FUCK THAT. I'm not noble, I'm not sweet. I dun tink I am nice anymore.
Perhaps to be living, there must be fakeness in you, to laugh when you mean to snigger, to smile when you mean to curse. To apologize for others mistakes, and to ............and to.......

hmmmmmmm......after my dinner, I found my anger somewhat subsided...... *BLINK*
weird....what never changes is I cant sustain anger long....barmy...DARN...I cant metamorphise into Satan now can I? SHUCKS. Oh well.

Cant feel much to carry on, gawd,
Be editing this soon HAHA
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, October 12th, 2001

Time:7:23 pm.
Mood: aggravated.

fuck this. fuck that.

fuck everything man
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, September 9th, 2001

Time:8:57 am.
How much things have changed,
the passing of now into then.
Trying, Being, Losing
the thoughts I hoped to grasp

Time whispered softly by my ears,
mocking of times lost and gone
Was, Am, Be
Nothing matters, nothing is.

You are minute, atoms locked within atoms.
The eternals above laughs
Loving, Nothing, Hating
Unable to wake from this dream.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, September 2nd, 2001

Subject:The UpS The DoWns The RoundabouTs!
Time:1:07 am.
Mood: peaceful.
It's been quite awhile, but time really flies, doesnt it?
In a twinkling, it's been months since I last updated this neglected journal of mine, and I wonder if anyone still remembers or even reads at all, but heck it :P

Oh well, I hope to be able to update this as regularly as possible, but I guess its kinda hard now...what with all the time I must spend catching up on "doing nothing"....damn, lazing around never felt soOoOoOoooOOo good !! hehe

Let's see, I think I should roll this off with an introduction of my platoon mates, of whom mostly I am quite fond of..Let's see....

okok, there's my section mates, of whom there's Strawberry Jack, called Strawberry because of a strawberry tattoo he has (dun ask why).....
then there's Alvin, (a.k.a. Ah Xiao My Buddy ^_^) He's a pretty crazy xiao on fellow and thank god, I can click with him on alot of things heh...(most prob will sign on wif him) .He has a mean SM streak he loves to do now and then...and it scares me alot.......(mainly because he does it to me... ;P)
Okok, then there's Wilson (a.k.a. Ah Pao) we call him that because he very DUA KANG (Big Hole); there's Alfred, (a.k.a. SailorMoon) who has a scary "ghostly experience" hence the nick; there's YongSeng (a.k.a. Cook) who is always bullied by us into cooking our noodles HEHE ; there's Jason (a.k.a. Ah Lao) who was originally the oldest before the Regulars joined our platoon; Raymond (a.k.a. Ah Pa) due to his age and very OLD BIRD status; there's KimLeong (no a.k.a. since we dun really like him :P), its mainly becos he too GARANG and gets on our nerves and finally Danny (a.k.a. Peanuts! or Regular Lim) due to the highly circulated gossip about his supposed..."size".

Okok, for my interesting platoon mates whom I get along best, there's JunHao (a.k.a. Ah Hao or to me, Ah Yi)..why? Because he looks like Tsuyoshi Domoto of Kinki Kids HEHE..there's ThamKean (a.k.a. Pumpkin, Thumbpin or BIG BOSS)..He's a really cartoon guy who's the pet recruit of almost ALL the sergeants in our Company..always kena tortured..hahaha then, there's Chris (a.k.a. Smurf)..haha, just because he looks like one :P, cute cute short short heh.
er........got to go, continue some other day :P
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, June 12th, 2001

Subject:Precious Lights Ore wa Saiai no Dachi
Time:4:38 am.
Mood: calm.

it could be nothing more,
something lesser than nothing I saw
a scene from the future gone once before,
the coming of nothing, unravelled my very core

i stand final amidst tides of unjudged coming
motes of crimson between the mindless churning
touching it once, through the mist of utmost blinding
only to lose it when I gave up all my searching

forever a place in memories those lights must hold
a jig they dance, warmth beyond numbing cold...
a bond of earth and fire, ages gone till nothings old
part of my past together future's mould

would you sing once again for me?

Forget me not my dearest friends..so sorry for all the trouble I had ever cause you all, and thanx for bearing with me..Hope that I will learn more things through this two year camp hehe..Genki de na! Ki Tsukete (Take care)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:My Final Entry (1)
Time:4:13 am.
Mood: relaxed.
Well, this is it, The Final Entry to end everything........
It hasnt been long, and I havent been actually consistent in keeping this journal up, but what must transpire now must. I am writing this journal out of sheer willpower as fatique and lag is really catching up on me, and I must say this few last words of mine HAHA...

Well, come this wednesday and off I go to protect and serve this sandy little country of ours....Be it for better or worse, it might be a good recourse from the life I am leading right now anywayz................still, I do feel resentful and bothered, probably cause I do not know what will happen or can happen....

Last satuday, a gang of my friends came together to send me off to the world of military might.......I truthfully had not had so much fun since ages gone, as never had all of us old Kakis gathered together once more to have fun........it was really really great, and I was truly thankful for everyone of them.......
Lynn, Jiemin, Qifeng, Yiting, Zengbin, Daniel, Donna, Dani, Brandon Su, Ugene, William, Ah Ken, Ah Feng, JiaXi, Karen, KaiQin, Calvin, Shuyun, Wenlyn, Wenlyn's cool Bro, Alvin, Marvin, Ugene's funky Friend and a few others, doumo arigato gozaimashita.
Thanx for everyone who was there, and who we all danced crazily with, you guys rock, and even if I wasnt going army, it was a great night none-the-less.

To Zengbin and Daniel, thanx for coming to see me, even though you guys were WiseMen in charge of the Treasure Hunt that night, I was really touched and really very damn fucking happy..Bloody damn happy I got to seeya all man and I will keep the SMS with me all the time..Will miss you all bloody much hahaha

To Shuyun and Wenlyn and Wenlyn's bro, thanx loh!! I know shuyun hates such places one, so I am really glad and I know wenlyn is very busy also.....Thank you thank you! and To Shuyun, very sorry I broke the promise, but I was really really sick after that night, 'cause of all the bloody alcohol...I hope I can make it up to you or something ok?

To Lynn, Jiemin, Su, Feng, Yiting, William, I think I can say I would be closer to you guys no? Hahahaha, thanx for everything and for all the things you all have done....Actually go Army is quite a small thing I guess, but still I am very glad you all were there....Even though its quite a short time, but I hope nothing will change loh...Continue to be happy and crazy.. and I will have pics of my botakness for you all....HAHA, Love you guys deep deep man......Thanx for the Flaming Lambo also hor! It rocks big time

Well, that night was really great fun, and just today, the gang brought me out again for ala carte at Block 511, the 24hours Market...Just for the sake of my memory and journal.......Jiemin, Qifeng, Lynn, Yiting, Edward, Donna, Nix, Joseph and Ginseng....Thanx again for everything tonight, tiring no doubt, but thanx for just making time to spend it with me.......honto ni doumo arigato gozaimashita....
I will not forget tonight one loh, then when Qifeng and Ivan and everyone comes in, we can destroy the camp overnight!!

To everyone whom I couldnt see, thanx still just for reading or remembering me at times, its enough already :P

Yup Yup, actually going in army is part and parcel of any singaporean boys I guess, but until you come to the verge of being part of that obligation, you hardly feel anything...Right now, I dun feel nothing much too I guess, just regret that I could have been in Poly right now, or being with you guys and gals...But, still, its a Fate card I have to play...It might seem weird how everyone plays it up, or make a big hula out of it, but HECK, I've never been happier man!!

From henceforth, I guess its time to start becoming a man hor? Hahahaha, let's see how strong the army could be....I sure hope I can take it, but I know I can, as long as they stuck me with the lousy job as clerk or what not......Guards would be cooL!

To all of my friends, PLEASE do not forget me, or forget my face or even my crap.......It would be most sad loh....I know I wunt forget any of you all, so do think of me ok? :)

I must end this now, and just to tell those special dudes and dudettes, I love you all deep deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!!!!!!!

HEHEHE, goodnitez everyone and have a better tomorrow always!
I will miss you all loh
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, May 14th, 2001

Subject:surrealistic peace (my broken poem remix)
Time:2:57 am.
ever dreamt a Dream so real?
an affront to a tapestry of the Wakingscape.
wherehence a sparrow of my lingering spirit
a dance of neverending spirals unable to escape.
you'll never see a Death as pure
to place Life in light of an unholy judgement
fromhence the sliver of justice must be broken more
for in one lies the key to a million million
sublimal is the judgement of your neverance
into the carousel my world must spin
the sensous making of pure irrevelence
my dreaming and my seeing a mess of senseless sin
mayhaps the coming of tomorrow shall never cease,
the infalliable wheel must turn unhanded eternal
how many judgement must we face unwashed
to become pure in light of a your god infernal.
shadows dark the day might be
we know not what His thoughts could bring
the miasma of nothing, the banquet of corpses
I pen my spirits in awe of absolute chaos.

"Therein lies the structure of Order, in the womb of the serpent of Chaos"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, May 6th, 2001

Subject:When The Time Comes
Time:3:04 am.
Mood: calm.
slowly the wheels churn
approaching the station I look
beyond the windows a blur of green
alone in my cabin on a trip

the twilight above, the dusk within
nothing feels, nothing hates
alone on a broad summer street
the paintings by the curb a work of peace
not me

pigeons fluttered away as I drew near
the bustling of a venice summer day
lovers come and lovers go,
from my bench I sat alone awatching,
no body

a harmonica sang across the brown drapped street
the road lamps came on humming
alone yet again under the pale star light
picked up my luggages and walked towards the city lights
not far

was I able to find myself,
strolling alone down an empty path
to the glowing tower of tokyo I went in search
of a magical time
not known

when the time comes, for me to go
to leave these grand city of lights and shadow
I will hold onto the memories of the streets and people
for they are my eveything, and with them I'm
not alone

never alone..

--- Miyakekid ---
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:The Death of My Tears
Time:2:23 am.
Mood: numb.
I realised something as I was lying in bed this hot and humid night. Its really irritating that you have a sleepy head yet cannot fall to sleep, and am forced to think things through on your bed. Kinda scary.

Well, I realised its been awhile since I ever cried from the bottom of my heart.

Weird thing to notice in the middle of the night, ain't it? Alas, its something that kinda rang a bell for me. Well, since a long time ago, I've never cried, or felt the need to, and that kinda worries me seriously. I know myself best, and I would like to think that I know everything that goes on in my body and in my mind. That being said, I've realised that since sometime in the past, I've grown......emotionally detached.

I am not joking. I don't feel a thing now that I come to think of it. I can hardly recall a time in the near past where I felt sadness, sorrow, happiness or even fear. I think I got a problem, and I sincerely think I do not know how to feel anymore. I yearn to love too, but hardly anybody in this world can make me even feel. Nothing can stir up a storm of emotions in me like I once used to be. Virtually nothing man. I din used to be like this..no no no.....

As I sit here typing this entry, I must wonder why this is so. Why does my heart feel nothing? Not even when people come onto me and outrageously declare that they love me. Not even when I am forced to leave my home with nothing, and not even when people that cared for me, doesnt seem to anymore. It's like that, and I can feel nothing. I really don't!
When emotional stuffs come up or when times that call for a emotional judgement, the thoughts that goes through my heart usually ranges from "Oh." to "So?" and the more cynical "Whatever."

I HATE THIS. I hate not being able to feel anymore. I hate not being able to cry, and being able to be sad. I hate not being able to love or feel pain. The only thing that constantly streams through my heart is the wanton desire to hate. I tried to cry just awhile ago, I tried to soften my rock of a heart and break down into tears like I've always wanted to. But I can't. I can't even properly imagine myself crying. Not even tears of happiness.

I wonder, how it ever got to this stage. How everything suddenly seem so meaningless. Could it be due to past pains? And subconciously I locked up all my feelings? Could it be due to insecurities? The fear of others looking inside me? Or the fear of not being able to protect those around? I do not know.

Sad to say, I am changing. and I am scared of myself. Scared of what my locked up heart will do to people around me and the pain I could cause.
I know deep inside that I must look fervently for something to hold onto , and I pray earnestly even to God, that someone might come along to make me feel again, someone I could love and feel pain for. Just for awhile!!! Even if it would mean an even deeper shadow in the future.

A pretensious masquerade, where the masks grins in hyprocritical joy, and I alone, in this masquerade am he who wears a tearful mask.

I really wish to cry. weird huh?
And that alone is a plea in a plea.

Hitori de ita ano koro
Sabishii yoru no tsuki wo abite
Donna ni michi ga nakutemo
Aruite yukou

Those times when I was all alone
Basking in the moonrays of the lonely night
No matter how it seems I have no path to follow
I'll keep walking
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001

Subject:Episode One - The Unveiling of Fabby (ala SlamBook Style)
Time:2:53 am.
Well well well, herein lies the grave of all they who kept silent. All who chose to serve in muteness while the valiant rested rusty blades in rosy bosoms. (::sings;: Deck the halls with broils of holly, FA LA La La LAA, La La la laaa)

Er, whatever.

The thing is, I am penning this entry for a very specific reason, and specific it is indeed. Well, that being to unveil all the impressions and thoughts I have of most of my close, old, new, stupid, loved and wonderful friends. Yah yah, its time to party on and rumble man.

To kick off this grand series, I shall start off with none other but He, he who birth me into this digital world of words, and He (being the few who might actually read this anyway) whom I guess wouldn't be actually surprised I am going to write nonsensical shit about.

So ladies and gentlemen, in light of all boredphucks around the world I present to you, FABIAN~ (Dum dum dum dummmmm)


Ok, let's see. Impressions? (Is this going to hurt you Fab? Hell, no. But come on, I can't lie in my journal, its an intergrity thing) Well, I would consider Fabian to be someone..someone quite..er..stiff? Well, I've known Fabian for over..6 years? I'd bet he would like to know what others thought of him (read Fab's entries lah) and I sure would love to know what others thought of me as well. I'd bet too that for the sake of these 6 years, he wunt kill me for what I will say soon..hehe

Right, so here's the pie. Fabian's is a nice guy, really. Kinda sappy and sometimes abit irritating when it comes to certain sensitive issues but nonetheless, he's the kinda guy (I think) who would actually like a girl (initially) for what's INSIDE, instead of OUT..(do correct me if I am wrong, I'd hate to go to hell) Yup, this is due to some incident back whereby Fabby fell in love(?) with a gal I cannot remember except for her nick...something along the line of Elephant or..something. (though I did remember that they wasn't much INSIDE as well...HmMmmm..maybe I remembered wrong, oh crap)

Well, yah. He struck me as that kinda guy who would do weird stuffs for love, and finally procrastinates till it goes off somewhere. (sick hobby? I dunno man) Thats him folks. There's also the Fabian who shuns everything unholy or Fabian who kinda dread to move more then fingers during Arcade sessions. HmM? Nothing wrong at all in that man, its just my impression really, nothing personal.

There's also sometimes when I feel that that shine of insincerity when with him, like talking just for the sake of making you go away or something. Sometimes he cares too much, sometimes he gives you the feeling that you shouldn't wind him up in some trouble of yours..not that we should. There are times too, when he shuns away, and locks up tight somewhere in his alternate worlds, and goes off far away somewhere we cannot find.

And, there's the crazy zany Fabian. :) The side of him where his artistic self and his more loony persona comes into the light. It's like, being with him sometimes is like, kinda easy, kinda relaxed when you don't really have to tediously plan what you need to say next. Maybe because there's some sort of a verbal bridge whereby we actually find it quite easy and fun to spar with words and other..things.

Fabian is a smart guy, and so natually, one must talk smart to him too, hehe, and that sometimes can rapidly degenerate into nonsensical word wars where nothing really mattered or counts. That's the fun! He always struck me as the kinda meditator guy? The kind that mediates between fights and warring bulls? Well, yah. Though, I do know him personally as one with a..temper too

Then, finally, there's the kinda self-righteous Fabby. Nono, he ain't snobby or wat, just that, sometimes, his ideals are the benchmark he hopes pple around could achieve. It's kinda like, sometimes he gives pple, or me the feeling he is somewhat morally superior. Well, that is not to say he ever forced his beliefs on us, which I doubt he ever did..but then, it does make us..oh ok, me feel somewhat, hm...er..morally inferior? (for lack of a better word)

Oh well, I know my paragraphs ain't really connected well, and the flow of words ain't actually what you would call fantastic nor complete, but it's late, and its kinda a hard ball for me to process that many memories and thoughts and summarise them for fear of drowning everyone with gigabytes of words.

That said, I do realise that I haven't actually been in real contact with Fab for a long while, and that begged the question of how much he've changed? I am not sure man, and I cannot say, for I have no basis nor right to. All I wish to say is that, fab ah, you are still someone I know well enough to actually dare to tell you how I feel loh. And hm, that I haven't really spilt all there is to spill!!!! HAHAHAHA
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Sunday, April 29th, 2001

Subject:Fate Fate Destiny Destiny
Time:2:28 am.
Mood: hopeful.
Well, who belives in fate here?
Who believes in a calling from somewhere beyond where the threads of your life are entwined in a mesh of destiny no one can see?

Well, I do....I believe in fate and destiny explicitly.

Take yesternight for example, I was off working and feng came to look me up at work. When I knocked off, I went to meet him and the gang, whereby we later got onto the MRT to send Lynn home to Jurong...from whence, we got ourselfs kicked out of the MRT due to the train service terminating eariler then usual. (thus effectively trapping me and feng in Jurong, while we lived in the east) Better still, we missed our last bus, because we thought it was safe to go to the toilet in the bus interchange for a MINUTE.

Damn it man. So in short, we were ushered by the hands of fate, to stay overnight at Lynn's place when an unexpected storm brewed over our heads while we sat at the playground. Talk about shitty stuffs.

Anyway, all in all, it boils down to how circumstances forces your cards to be played in ways you do not really want to. Of course, I could have called for a taxi and got back home with a $30+ freakin' fare, and twart O' evil fate's dastardly plans, but hey, going along with fate sure was cheaper.

Well, in case you start thinking that I believe we are nothing more then pawns in some great Being game of chess, you are wrong my man, wrong. Fate to me is like,well, the dealer in a poker game. He deals you the cards, and its up to you how you want to play it..Sometimes of course, he likes to point a semi-automatic pistol up your ass, but hey hey, not all games are fair man.

Well, what about Destiny? Duality is an abstract concept prevelent in my philosophy of existence. There is day, there is night. There is good, there is evil. There is Spencer the wonderfully bouncy saint of love and justice and there is Adolf Hitler. See the great diff? Still, concepts are what these all are. There is no true blue good, or evil. They are just polarity where great variations swing in between.

Destiny is thus some kinda (read : KINDA) a polarity opposite to fate (for me that is) for in destiny, there comes a true calling. There's no chance, no nudging, and no coincidences. Destiny is what you were born for, what your life is to be spent completing and harnessing. Sure sure, that sounded lame, 'cos going along that line, most humans are destined for procreation and sex....and more sex..and death, if you happened to remembered it while not having sex.

Well, not everyone's destinys are great shimmering stories of knights and chivary, honor and prestige, but still, you can always see the iron arms of destiny at work. I'm not sure what mine is though, maybe I am destined to be a good-for-nothing? maybe I am destined to be a wonderously successful bachelor, or maybe just a simple man living out my days with a simple family. Well, I'd sure hope its not so simple..for I'd believe that mine getting expelled from school, was kinda a fate card dealt to me along the path of destiny.
So therein lie's another pondering of mine, might then be fate part of destiny? Well, fark it. I duno either.

And it's getting too freaky late to be ranting about meaningless shit to God-Knows-Who is reading this. Ain't it?
If you are reading this, its fate too by the way. So be prepared for a change in your life, however subtle it might be. Why? well 'cos every action has an reaction and you'll pay your's soon enough

*Insert thoughtful sinister grin here*

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Friday, April 27th, 2001

Subject:AbSenCe oF aN iDenTity
Time:1:17 am.
Mood: thoughtful.
(WARNING Loonie Toon Rantings below)
It seems to me that my social circle has gotten considerably smaller. Yes, much smaller. Well, it certainly doesnt seem like a bad thing to begin with, but it certainly broods some naggy issues..It's like.........well, I certainly have alot of friends no doubt. Well, friends AND acquaintances. but seriously, I've always wondered how many actually cared......I mean really really care about me. Cynical ain't it?

Well, thats the whole nine yards.

Have you ever wondered who will be the people crying when you die? Or when you disappear from the face of the earth? Who will be the people who will stand by you no matter what and dare to face dark, horrible nights with you? Well, I think I have friends who would do that, and surely by a thousand deaths I would protect them in everyway I could.
I've always dreamed of powers.


Well, 'cos I have friends dear to me I really wish to protect...You know..friends who really mattered and made me who I am..even those idiotic ones, yes..I'm not being fuckin insincere shit you, I'm serious. Dead serious.
Still, the self aside, I doubt that anyone actually really understands me or see me for who I am. To know me well enough to see beyond me.

There was a period of time, when I was a crazy pubbing kid, cheonging every week, sometimes 4 days continuously. It's kinda funny, but those were one of the happiest days of my life (besides Secondary school) and I really really miss those days so much.
But, funny how everyone keeps claiming and complaining that I've changed. Keep insisting that they were right and that I took a downward spiral towards delinquency and violent...stuffs.

Funny how people judge you when they think they know you eh?

I hated all those fingers, but quietly I kept. Harsh they were, but I understood the concern underneath..I knew I was in a fix then, I knew too I did expressed actions unlike the "old" me, but still..this begged the question of who really knew me. What they saw, what they thought, was just me..being me. Was that so difficult?
They wanted to protect me from being.....Me! It's weird, but I've no qualms about myself. I do have a temper too you know, just that I love my friends too much to ever be angry...MUCH..I have a high tolerance level I know, that's 'cos I'd never want to hurt anyone...I've always believed that to be happy yourself, your friends around you must not be sad...That's why I'd never share my trouble with anyone, but heck, no one understands.

"Yah yah, I am being bottled up, I can't communicate, Why can't You tell us spenceR? Ain't we friends?" No one really understood the fact that THAT's precisely why I've never tell people my problems. I can count the people I can really trust with my secrets easily...Ivan, Feng, Winnie..etc..Oh well, quite easily anyway...LOL

Still, I was happy being myself then, being happy, unbridled. So were my close friends. We got drunk together, thrown up together, danced, played, swore and fought..(minor issue there)..and it really brought me so much solace from my schooling turmoil.
Things did got so bad until the point virtually everyone came to talk to me, asking me this, probing me that. I got really sick of it, and decided to sink back even deeper. Hahaha, vicious cyclical shit.

How far can one be a saint? How far can one be innocent? There's alot of things I duno, alot of things I think I am quite innocent to, and I'd bet that's what most of my friends wanna protect me from......still...............

Well, gone were those days..and new challenges awaits me in the dusky future. I doubt anyone will ever really understand me, or should I say, IF there's the need to really understand me. I wonder too, who out there, feels the absence of something special..(Not lovey relationships man, fark that) How would one be changed? If someone really understands you? Would it be freaky and uncomfortable, or would there be like, a great hymn resonating throughout heaven and earth?

Hahaha, I have no idea man.... But I do know, despite all my doubts, I do know there are pple who care for me, and for whom I care dearly. There will come a day, when surely I must protect them...I hope I can...
By the way, if you are reading this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting so far, at least you care to read so far..thanks man
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