MiyakeKid (miyakekid) wrote,

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AbSenCe oF aN iDenTity

(WARNING Loonie Toon Rantings below)
It seems to me that my social circle has gotten considerably smaller. Yes, much smaller. Well, it certainly doesnt seem like a bad thing to begin with, but it certainly broods some naggy issues..It's like.........well, I certainly have alot of friends no doubt. Well, friends AND acquaintances. but seriously, I've always wondered how many actually cared......I mean really really care about me. Cynical ain't it?

Well, thats the whole nine yards.

Have you ever wondered who will be the people crying when you die? Or when you disappear from the face of the earth? Who will be the people who will stand by you no matter what and dare to face dark, horrible nights with you? Well, I think I have friends who would do that, and surely by a thousand deaths I would protect them in everyway I could.
I've always dreamed of powers.


Well, 'cos I have friends dear to me I really wish to protect...You know..friends who really mattered and made me who I am..even those idiotic ones, yes..I'm not being fuckin insincere shit you, I'm serious. Dead serious.
Still, the self aside, I doubt that anyone actually really understands me or see me for who I am. To know me well enough to see beyond me.

There was a period of time, when I was a crazy pubbing kid, cheonging every week, sometimes 4 days continuously. It's kinda funny, but those were one of the happiest days of my life (besides Secondary school) and I really really miss those days so much.
But, funny how everyone keeps claiming and complaining that I've changed. Keep insisting that they were right and that I took a downward spiral towards delinquency and violent...stuffs.

Funny how people judge you when they think they know you eh?

I hated all those fingers, but quietly I kept. Harsh they were, but I understood the concern underneath..I knew I was in a fix then, I knew too I did expressed actions unlike the "old" me, but still..this begged the question of who really knew me. What they saw, what they thought, was just me..being me. Was that so difficult?
They wanted to protect me from being.....Me! It's weird, but I've no qualms about myself. I do have a temper too you know, just that I love my friends too much to ever be angry...MUCH..I have a high tolerance level I know, that's 'cos I'd never want to hurt anyone...I've always believed that to be happy yourself, your friends around you must not be sad...That's why I'd never share my trouble with anyone, but heck, no one understands.

"Yah yah, I am being bottled up, I can't communicate, Why can't You tell us spenceR? Ain't we friends?" No one really understood the fact that THAT's precisely why I've never tell people my problems. I can count the people I can really trust with my secrets easily...Ivan, Feng, Winnie..etc..Oh well, quite easily anyway...LOL

Still, I was happy being myself then, being happy, unbridled. So were my close friends. We got drunk together, thrown up together, danced, played, swore and fought..(minor issue there)..and it really brought me so much solace from my schooling turmoil.
Things did got so bad until the point virtually everyone came to talk to me, asking me this, probing me that. I got really sick of it, and decided to sink back even deeper. Hahaha, vicious cyclical shit.

How far can one be a saint? How far can one be innocent? There's alot of things I duno, alot of things I think I am quite innocent to, and I'd bet that's what most of my friends wanna protect me from......still...............

Well, gone were those days..and new challenges awaits me in the dusky future. I doubt anyone will ever really understand me, or should I say, IF there's the need to really understand me. I wonder too, who out there, feels the absence of something special..(Not lovey relationships man, fark that) How would one be changed? If someone really understands you? Would it be freaky and uncomfortable, or would there be like, a great hymn resonating throughout heaven and earth?

Hahaha, I have no idea man.... But I do know, despite all my doubts, I do know there are pple who care for me, and for whom I care dearly. There will come a day, when surely I must protect them...I hope I can...
By the way, if you are reading this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting so far, at least you care to read so far..thanks man
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