Well, I realised its been awhile since I ever cried from the bottom of my heart.
Weird thing to notice in the middle of the night, ain't it? Alas, its something that kinda rang a bell for me. Well, since a long time ago, I've never cried, or felt the need to, and that kinda worries me seriously. I know myself best, and I would like to think that I know everything that goes on in my body and in my mind. That being said, I've realised that since sometime in the past, I've grown......emotionally detached.
I am not joking. I don't feel a thing now that I come to think of it. I can hardly recall a time in the near past where I felt sadness, sorrow, happiness or even fear. I think I got a problem, and I sincerely think I do not know how to feel anymore. I yearn to love too, but hardly anybody in this world can make me even feel. Nothing can stir up a storm of emotions in me like I once used to be. Virtually nothing man. I din used to be like this..no no no.....
As I sit here typing this entry, I must wonder why this is so. Why does my heart feel nothing? Not even when people come onto me and outrageously declare that they love me. Not even when I am forced to leave my home with nothing, and not even when people that cared for me, doesnt seem to anymore. It's like that, and I can feel nothing. I really don't!
When emotional stuffs come up or when times that call for a emotional judgement, the thoughts that goes through my heart usually ranges from "Oh." to "So?" and the more cynical "Whatever."
I HATE THIS. I hate not being able to feel anymore. I hate not being able to cry, and being able to be sad. I hate not being able to love or feel pain. The only thing that constantly streams through my heart is the wanton desire to hate. I tried to cry just awhile ago, I tried to soften my rock of a heart and break down into tears like I've always wanted to. But I can't. I can't even properly imagine myself crying. Not even tears of happiness.
I wonder, how it ever got to this stage. How everything suddenly seem so meaningless. Could it be due to past pains? And subconciously I locked up all my feelings? Could it be due to insecurities? The fear of others looking inside me? Or the fear of not being able to protect those around? I do not know.
Sad to say, I am changing. and I am scared of myself. Scared of what my locked up heart will do to people around me and the pain I could cause.
I know deep inside that I must look fervently for something to hold onto , and I pray earnestly even to God, that someone might come along to make me feel again, someone I could love and feel pain for. Just for awhile!!! Even if it would mean an even deeper shadow in the future.
A pretensious masquerade, where the masks grins in hyprocritical joy, and I alone, in this masquerade am he who wears a tearful mask.
I really wish to cry. weird huh?
And that alone is a plea in a plea.
Sabishii yoru no tsuki wo abite
Donna ni michi ga nakutemo
Those times when I was all alone
Basking in the moonrays of the lonely night
No matter how it seems I have no path to follow
I'll keep walking